Who am I? — part 2
The surface personality
author: Matthijs Cornelissen
last revision: 03/03/18
As the story of our little ”I“ unfolds, from day to day, from minute to minute, second to second, we identify with an endless, and often pretty wild stream of different things and processes. What are these? And is there something behind all these different surface identifications? Is there somewhere in us a permanent core, something that we are in the very essence of our being? This innermost essence is, obviously, not easy to find. In fact, unless one is exceedingly lucky, it tends to take considerable personal effort to get anywhere near to it, and so we will not start with this. We will look first a little more closely at those things that are more easily visible, things that occur in our ordinary waking consciousness or at most just below it. There is little "Indian" about this part of psychology except the approach: we'll use this first exploration to get into the habit of checking things out against our own experience. So: answering the questions that pop-up when you click the "Show Questions" button at the top right is recommended.
See how you relate to your own names. Do your names reflect in some way how you feel about yourself or what you want to become? Does that meaning depend on their sound, their meaning, the associations the name carries with it? Does it depend on how you relate to the people who have given you that name?
The first thing that comes up when someone asks us who we are may quite well be our name. Outside the sphere of psychology, in law for example, our name and address tends to be all that is meant with our ”identity“. In this sense, names belong entirely to the sphere of social conventions, and have little or no deeper truth behind them. Psychologically, however, names are rarely entirely without meaning or connotations. In modern times, the names of people tend to consist of two parts: a surname and a first or ”given“ name. The surname generally indicates the family in which one grows up, and with that, also the country, region, religion or social group to which that family ”belongs“. Even our first or ”given“ name often says quite bit about our family's background. Dependent on the status of that family in society, our name can bestow all kind of privileges, or, of course, the lack of them. We'll come back to this when we speak about the wider issue of group-membership [INTERNAL REFs].
Imagine that you could always introduce yourself with a name which makes it appear as if you are related to an exceptionally famous, powerful, or rich individual; or a name which indicates that you are from a very distinguished, high class or high caste family.
Or, how would it be if you always had to introduce yourself with a name indicating that you are related to a rather unpopular person or part of low-status social group?1.
Can you imagine how it would be to have a name indicating that you belong to another religion than the one you grew up with?
The second part of a modern name tends to consist of one or more individual, or ”given“ names. As already indicated, they also tend to be typical for the type of family in which we're born; think of religion, language, and often more subtle things besides. They can be arbitrary, but more often they are in some way descriptive or even prescriptive: they often involve some hope or aspiration. Parents (or other community elders) often endow the child with the name of a relative or a mythological, religious or historical figure whose nature they hope this child will emulate. In many religious communities, such a name with a clear ”message“ is given at the time when a person consciously enters the group. It indicates then some kind of new birth.
Besides these more or less official names, many people also have pseudonyms, informal aliases or pet names, often again indicating some real or imagined characteristic.
In some occult traditions, it is believed that people have besides these socially constructed names, also a true name. In such traditions, it is then an important part of one's inner growth to find that true name.2 For most of us, however, the names we have are no more than rather arbitrary attributes: they may say something about who we are, or want to be, but they are not all-encompassing, and they may have little, if anything, to do with our essence. As Shakespeare said, ”A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
Do you feel comfortable with how you look? Proud of it? Ahsamed or ill-at-ease with it? Do your looks faithfully express who you are? Are there things you would have liked to be different?
Can you imagine how it would be if you had a different colour of skin, hair, eyes; length; body-build; general level of beauty and ”attractiveness“? How would it be to go through life looking more or less intelligent, reliable, generous, happy, young or old than at present?
The next thing that may come up is your outer appearance, as that is how other people see you, at least in first instance, and very few people are entirely unaffected by what other people think about them. Your "looks" determine to quite an extent how other people perceive and approach you the first time you meet, and these first impressions tend to linger long afterwards. Accordingly, most people put some effort into how they look, even if only "to show they dont care how they look".
And yet, we all know people who turned out to be quite different from the first impressions we had of them. Looks are often deceptive. Interestingly whether we look the way we are, or entirely different, it would be wrong to say that we are our "looks". If our appearance would change suddenly due to some disease or accident for example, or because we changed it ourselves, this might make some difference to how we feel about ourselves, but we would still be largely the same person. Like our appearance, there are many other things that have some importance to how we feel about "ourselves", while they still are not what we really are. We'll discuss a few of them.
Describe a few of the possessions that are important to you, and what they say about you. (Think, for example, of your house, your room, your clothes, your main mode of transport, the tools of your trade: anything special that "makes you, you".)
What would happen if you would suddenly lose them? Are there at present things you don't have but you would really like to have? If so, does it play a role that you feel that they would enhance your status, the sense of your own "value"?
Another thing, with which we tend to identify to an amazing degree, even though they are clearly not part of our essence, are our possessions. The relations we have to our possessions are rather complex. Our possessions are not just the things we are entitled to use, we also look after them, and they tend to become in some strange and complex way extensions of whom we are, or seem to be. Others tend to judge us by the possessions we have. Wealth tends to be taken as a sign of power and capacity; poverty of the opposite, and the type of things we own says something about our taste, and thus about our culture, and the type of person we are.
It is good to realise that there are (or perhaps I should say, there have been) societies where there was no private ownerships, or at least much less than in our modern society.3 And even in societies were private ownership has played a major role since a long time, its character has changed dramatically over the last hundred years. There was, for example, a time not that long ago, when most things people owned lasted longer than their owners. In other words, the things people owned were passed on from one generation to the next, and ownership involved some kind of temporary stewardship: people looked after the things that belonged to them for as long as these things were with them. It is not hard to see that modern consumerism has changed our relationship to "things" dramatically.
It is quite normal to be attached to our possessions, but it is not inevitable. One night the house of a Japanese Zen master burned down. Next morning he wrote a small poem:
The barn burnt down
I can see the stars!
Our possessions not only give us a real or imagined sense of safety, comfort and the power to do what we want to do, they also say something about us, about our taste, our competence, our life's choices and achievements. In other words, to some extent, they define us both to ourselves, and to others.
[TWO CLIPS FROM MOVIE ”STUFF“ (about the washing-machine computer and the shoes)]
[CARTOON by Laksman: ”Don't you agree our vulgar display of wealth was much better than theirs?“]
Group-membership and social roles
Group-memberships play a very major role in human life. Groups like nationality, race, religion, class, profession, caste, and family, offer individuals a sense of belonging and shared identity. Groups are, besides, the carriers of a valuable variety in terms of linguistic, artistic and cultural expression.
The upcoming global civilisation is strongly individualistic and people are increasingly aware of the dangers of group-membership. It begins, however, innocently enough. It may happen, for example, that people who are themselves not very clear about how this hugely complex world works, find it hard to decide for themselves what is right and wrong. Having little confidence in their own opinions and decisions, they may prefer to leave those difficult issues to other members of the groups they belong to. More opportunistically, individuals who find little to be proud of in themselves, can derive a positive identity from the more successful members of such groups: A hardened couch-potato, who has difficulty getting up from his sofa to fetch something from the fridge, may still feel proud when one of his countrymen has reached the South Pole or climbed the Mount Everest. In other words, if one feels insecure as an individual, then group-membership can offer some kind of borrowed sense of identity, direction, strength and value.
Can you recognise in yourself this tendency to feel proud (or ashamed) of what other members of a group you belong to, have done? List some instances?
This kind of shared pride is still comparatively innocent and it is encouraged in most groups, big and small. It is seen in countries as well as in families. Where the trouble starts, is when groups offer their members specific privileges, and things get really out of hand is when groups offer protection against the members of other groups. The ability of groups to provide their members with clarity and a sense of purpose and belonging degenerates then into a kind of collective egoism that ends with the feeling of ”us against them.“ History shows that our collective egoisms are even more primitive and destructive than our individual egoisms, and there can be little doubt that they have been the source of much pain and suffering. The tendency of people to gang up in groups against other groups is deeply engrained in human nature, and, long after an individual's mind may be convinced of its irrationality and harmfulness, he may still find it exceedingly difficult to avoid it completely in his feelings and behaviour.
When others act badly, it is because they are bad. Whenever we do something bad (which is rare), it is because we are forced to do so by the wrong actions on the other side ("They began!").
And it is the same the other way around:
When we do good, it is because we are good. If they ever happen to do something right (which is rare), it is to camouflage their evil intentions!
We'll come back to all this later [INTERNAL REF]. Here our main concern is the relatively simple question whether the study of our group-memberships can take us any closer to our real identity. There is no single, simple answer to this question. One of the reasons is that different cultures deal with group-membership in different ways. We already had a quick look at this in the previous chapter [INTERNAL REF], in which we dealt with the question were we, subjectively, lay the border between the self and ”everything else“. Another reason is that there are two rather different types of groups. The first type consists of groups, like clubs and societies, which are easy to join and easier to leave. Though our membership in these can temporarily make us proud or ashamed, they are temporary and as such it is quite clear they cannot be considered part of our essential identity. There are, however, also groups of a more permanent type, like for example the groups into which we are born and which stay with us throughout life: nationality, regional sub-cultures, religion, language, caste, family, .... Group-memberships of this second type tend to leave permanent marks that are difficult to erase even if one wants to.
Still, even if we identify strongly with any of the groups into which we are born, they cannot give us our complete identity, because even within rather homogeneous groups, the members are never fully identical. One of the most obvious areas where our uniqueness shows, lies in fact, in the specific roles we play within the various groups to which we ”belong“. Within such groups, we tend to identify not only with the group as a whole, but also with the specific positions we occupy and the roles we play within them. In the traditional societies of the past, many of these roles and positions were more or less permanently fixed within the relatively stable social fabric of those days. The fixity of these roles and social positions has now become much less, but their importance has not. We still expect different behaviour from a parent, a teacher, a policeman, than from a child, a student or an artist, and for most people their role in the family and the society is still an important element of their ”social identity“. People tend to take their roles and positions seriously and often go through a major, existential crisis when their roles change, for example after a promotion, or the loss of a job. People typically have many complex roles, and their intersections provide patterns that are even more complex.
List some of your most important group-memberships, social roles and positions. What are the responsibilities and benefits that go with them? Are any of these essential to your identity? Do some of these say something about who you really are in your deepest essence? Which could you do without? Is there a "you" apart from all of these? Can you describe it?
As with simple group-memberships, we can expect some of our roles to be largely incidental and of little consequence, while others may come closer to being an expression of our real identity. We'll come back to the latter when we take up the intriguing concept of our svadharma [INTERNAL REF]. But whatever this may be, groups and roles, however important they may be to us, still do not say everything about who we are: when we look on a lazy Sunday morning out of the window and gaze at the passing clouds, have we no identity? Who are we then?
How often are you really alone, not only outwardly, but also in your thoughts and feelings? What do you do in those situations? Are they amongst the best or the worst moments of your life?
You may find it interesting to compare notes with others, as people differ more in this respect than you might expect.
As we have seen in our discussion of names, possessions, groups and roles, others tend to play a major role in our lives. Humans are social creatures and only few amongst us are predominantly ”on our own“.
Most of us continue to relate to others in our thoughts and feelings long after we have parted physically. It is thus not surprising that humans tend to experience and define themselves not only in terms of their group-memberships and roles but also, and often more strongly, in terms of their relationships.
- Observe for a few days how your sense of yourself changes as soon as you encounter different people and situations.
- Are you more friendly & encouraging to yourself or to others?
For many of us, relationships with other people are our most important relationships, but we also have relationships, and often pretty serious and intimate ones, with things, with work, with our environment, and ultimately with the Divine and ourselves. It is as if, in every aspect of life, we have been made incomplete, and are constantly in search of the missing part. According to the Rig Veda [REF] this is the case since the very beginning of time: Brahman, it is said, manifested the world out of himself because he wanted to experience an ”otherness of self“. And his experiment is still going on: while some people feel that, on a deep essential level, they are one with everybody and everything, most of us sense others and the world very much as ”other“, as separate from ourselves. In some sense, many of us even feel even our own nature to be part of that otherness: we feel lost in our outer nature and yearn to reunite with a deeper source inside ourselves.
A mind-map of your relationships.
Take a big sheet of paper, put yourself in the middle of it, and draw your relationships as little circles (or other forms) in the space around you. You can, for example, indicate the frequency of a contact by its nearness to the center, and its relative importance by its size. To add detail, you can allot different areas on the map to different types of relations (e.g. work, family, friends / or people, things, ideas / or past, present and future). You can use colours to indicate the quality of the relationship. By giving colours to the background and connecting lines you could indicate still other details.
Relationships are so important in our life that we will devote a separate chapter to them [INTERNAL REF]. However, if you want to get some idea of the roles relationships play in your life right now, you may like to do the assignment in the side-block.
Our sense of our own identity can shift considerably from one relation to the other. Much of this depends on the roles and group-memberships that are part of the relationship: we not only behave differently but we also feel different in the role of father or of son, of mother or daughter; in the role of teacher or of student; when we are with people of the same gender or the opposite; with colleagues or with family; with someone who is generous and encouraging, or with someone who is conduce and disparaging; and so on and on.
As said, we have not only relationships with other people but also with work, with things, with nature, with the world as a whole, with the Divine, and, yes, even with ourselves. We will come back to relationships later [INTERNAL REF], after we have developed some more insight in other aspects of the individual.
1. Here is an article about a man who happened to be called "Saddam Hussain" and failed to find anyone willing to employ him.
2. A dark shadow of this belief is the idea that knowing the true name of a person gives power over that person, and that it is thus important to keep one's true name secret.
3. There is an old and no doubt politically incorrect, but still rather cute and highly recommended movie "The Gods Must Be Crazy" (Part 1). It is about the amazing effect on a small community of Pigmies in South Africa, when an empty coca-cola bottle is dropped casually in their midst from a small overflying aeroplane.
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