Recently a friend of mine went through a break-up. Needless to say it was a very painful process. (I am of the opinion that breaking of hearts very often turns out to be far more painful and dramatic than it ought/ deserves to be). So coming back to my friend, he went through a miserable two months. The memories kept coming back, entire days were spent mourning in his room, there was no energy to do any kind of work, no other friends were good enough — in short life seemed to be a series of endless, painful days. I understood him well because I had gone through a heart-break too — just as dramatic as his. While I was trying my best to help my friend get through this phase it struck me that it is all about perspectives when it comes to suffering. Some of us are far better at coping with it than others. To elaborate, here was a friend who felt his life was worthless because a girl dumped him (that too just after 6 months of dating!) And on the other hand was my maid who in the past five years that she had worked with us had had a series of far greater mishaps. She lost her father and her niece in a span of 6 months— both committed suicide. A year later she lost her brother (the one person who cared for her and helped her once in a while). She has a drunkard husband who abuses her physically and hasn’t ever given her a penny. She has one son, who unfortunately following his dad’s steps is an alcoholic too who instead of earning himself expects his poor mother to feed and clothe him. She has been working as a maid since she was twelve. And now at forty she still struggles to make ends meet. But in spite of all this suffering my maid has one of the brightest and warmest smiles I have seen. She is such a happy person. Everyday is a new day for her. She moves along with the enthusiasm and innocence of a child. And I wonder from where does she get that courage and inner strength to cope with life? From where does she bring that 100 watt smile?
I am puzzled at the ways of the Universe… why do some people get to suffer so much more than the others? Why the inequality? I don’t have the answers yet. But what I do realize is that my heartbreak and that of my friend’s is not such a big deal after all!
pain is indeed the hammer of God..says Sri Aurobindo, we don’t realize it until when we are into it. I understand that keeping oneself busy with other things is a way of getting over this pain. A complete change of perspective can help us sometimes. We can distract ourself for a while and engage our mind and think that we are getting over the break -up or the pain….. But i think the mourning is also essential as we cannot ignore it and move ahead with life.. there is a part in us that wants to mourn, wants to feel the hurt, feels energyless, wants to bring this all out. If we ignore this pain and continue working and making ourselves believe that we are busy, this pain will keep on coming again and again . The impressions of the actions and reactions which the last relationship left on us , on our subconscious shall find expression in other circumstances , in other relationships. We might start looking others with completely different perspective. Hence the cleaning from the core, the taking off all the layers is essential. Above all. the gratitude that how close you come to knowing yourself through this pain can only take us on the right path. It is difficult to feel all this in those moments of pain but i believe that offering it to the Divine brings a lasting peace.
Thank you for this beautiful and insightful expression!
While there are many factors as to why one suffers more than the other, a very important reason is the ability to deal with the burden of expectations. A person who is least attached to an outcome (outcome of a relationship, outcome of an effort etc.), a person who shows great equanimity in the face of adversity as well as prosperity, deals with emotional pain/failure by limiting its duration and intensity. What I mean is, pain becomes suffering only when you prolong its life. And, those who have no time to relax, because they are physically & mentally occupied doing productive work, just don’t find the time to let the pain grow into suffering. Then there are those who think they are victims of a situation and just let that thought linger on for a long time and accept suffering as a natural state. So, whether it is the poor maid or the guy who has seen little in terms of life’s mysterious timing in delivering a curve ball, it behooves one to build endurance, learn to achieve equanimity and clearly grasp the ebb and flow of life and its dualities. A maid does not need to intellectualize these things as life’s experiences help shape her; on the other hand, a person who rarely experiences bitter situations, needs to intellectualize and internalize the play of emotions on one’s psyche in various testing situations, by anticipating & visualizing such situations (empathy leads us to imagine ourselves in situations others face, viz, victims of war, violence, abuse, death of a loved one etc.). Unfortunately, despite so much misery and suffering in the world, few people want to understand the source of it and invest time and effort to mitigate it in one’s own surroundings. They ignore it until something hits them and by then they have no defense mechanism to deal with them. One more thing: In dharmic teachings, we are told that we are at the mercy of the dynamic play between trigunas (three gunas–sattva, rajas, and tamas) which by the way (the mix of gunas), is innate in us as a product of prarabdha karma. So, it’s the complex play of gunas, ignorance about this “pool of suffering” many earthlings swim through on a daily basis (Buddha was ignorant of this until he came out of his life of royal luxuries), and inability to deal with the burden of expectations that make one very vulnerable to long-term suffering. Hope that helps.
Thank you for a these wonderful insights… Makes the understanding so much wider.
Megha a very good observation.
I would like to add one more thing to this, it may also be due to exposure to painful situation. For instance your friend might have grown up in less pain inducing environment and your maid is in constant crisis state. So the exposure may play a role too.
I know that heart breaks are very tragic…because it hurts the most when you have devoted yourself to some person and that person does not take you and your love that seriously and rather takes it as a tissue ( use and throw). . .i believe , rather than crying over that person and regretting being with him or her you should make your will power strong and show that YOU AS A PERSON ARE THE UTMOST PRIORITY . . . .
be strong because no one else will suffer your pain so its only you who has to suffer. . .and at the end i would like so say that make it a challenge rather than your suffreing with a smile on your face 🙂
i hope i have not hurt your emotions and sentiments….
Very well said. Another instance could be that on one hand we have school students who commit suicide because they fail in one exam where children on street survive with all odds.