Self-observation notes

B.M. Halasya Sundaram

On 15th June

I landed down at Bangalore from my train around 9 in the night. I got into an auto and was rushing to go the party where my sister was celebrating her 25th year marriage anniversary. The auto driver was asking me for the route to reach the venue which I was not sure. I rang up my friend and sought his help. Somehow, finally the auto driver took me to the place, and it was already 9.30 pm. I was not perturbed and anxious all through. I was just observing myself intently.

All the while I was calm and quiet and just self observing. May be because of my continuous observation of myself even during the train journey, the inner talker has reached a point of not talking and started being quiet. In that space of quietness, something happens and I cannot describe it. I was having a sense of being there with everything. (I do not know whether I convey what it is) But, I could recall something that happened afterwards, in the party hall.

I entered the party hall and suddenly everyone saw me and exclaimed and rushed towards me. I was received with joy and as if something or someone they were expecting for long had finally come. I was even then quietly standing there and observing both their reaction and my quietness. For about 10 minutes every one came to me, spoke a few words, and left and I was standing where I first stood. I was observing the whole thing, the whole happening and was not being elated or excited but was simply being there with them all. Suddenly I realised that it was not me who was attracting them, IT was something very close to them which is what was attracting them. Something that was whole, complete they were all part of it. I knew that I am at the moment a part of something big or whole and I am also watching it all.

This sense of connectivity continued even I reached home. It is as if me and this great thing surrounding me are operating at the same time. I am both part and also the observing unit.

19th June 2010

I was coming home from Bus stand in an auto and the time was evening 6.30. Once again I was observing myself intently. The ability of my thoughts having control over me is lost. I could be without thoughts for quite some moments. In one of those long moments, suddenly I noticed that things around me became bright and I was looking at everything from the auto. I was able to see things far away say up to 200 yards. There was some unstated rule of simultaneity operating everywhere. Vehicles were crisscrossing one another; as if at the right moment even though the traffic rules are flouted. Someone is crossing the road and it is just at the right moment. And I was observing everything calmly with a sense as if this is how it could be. Everything was happening as per some grand plan. All through the 7 kilo meters of the journey, the auto driver also did not apply brake and did not make any undesirable turns and just everything was flowing in a rhythm. At that moment if an accident happened it is just that it was supposed to be so. Everything is following some golden rule and that’s all it is.

Once again, I reached home with the same calmness settled all over me.